School Report for God

By Tony Greenfield

YEAR: 6014

Mathematics B Usually satisfactory with real numbers, both rational and irrational, but unable to handle complex numbers. He claims he has proved that one equals three but fails to explain it to the class.
English E Little progress. Talks in many tongues with little sense. His handwriting is bad. He insists on writing on stones instead of on papyrus.
Geography D He draws far too many fiddly bits round the coast lines
History D He should pay more attention to archaeological records
Scripture A A good grasp of the subject but keeps complaining that he was misquoted
Biology A+ His project on the human reproductive system successfully added a bit of fun but there are still a few problems.
Chemistry C God loves to make lots of bangs, flashes and smells.
Should learn to control his omnipotence. He created havoc in the school when he turned water in all the dinner jugs into wine. It was nice, but the rest of the day was an absolute shambles.
Physics B His experiments are too elaborate and complicated. He claims to have lost a tiny particle, that he calls a boson, and looks for it under the Alps while shouting “Higgs, Higgs, where are you?”
He spends far too much time playing dice with the universe and listens to nothing the teacher tells him, claiming he is already omniscient.
Art and Handicrafts A God loves to make all sorts of creatures out of clay. He is particularly fond of one with long hairs on its upper lip. Calls it Mid, possibly because it is only half finished.
PE B He is everywhere on the football pitch. Should avoid using his hand in the opponents’ half. He moves in a mysterious way
Attendance E He was a shining light when he started at Eternity Hall but recently he has not attended nor delivered any good works.
He should wake up and do something to prove he still exists.
When he does show up he booms “I am omnipresent” and then disappears.
Behaviour F Detention twice. Once for setting fire to a bush and once for bringing pet snake to school and pretending it was a walking stick.
Poor sport. When two boys caught a fish bigger than he parted the sea to find the catch of the day.
Refused to support England in World cup.
God is a loner. He finds it hard to make friends and is often very judgemental and unforgiving towards others.
God is always causing fights and then he hides. All those involved in the fights claim that God was on their side.

(More about Tony)


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